Dear Riley

Dear Riley,
It's amazing the way my whole world has flipped upside down because yours has ended.  I've never realized just how much I love you until I can no longer tell you I do.  The way I've never thought about you so much until now and I can't even let you know you're on my mind.  I've taken so many people in my life for granted; I've been selfish.  I took you for granted.  I never took a second to tell you hey; I never stopped to appreciate all that you are.  For that I'll never forgive myself.  I miss you so much that my insides are numb.  My eyes ache from crying and my stomach never stops turning, but in my heart I feel nothing.  My own heartbeat feels absent without you.  I keep having dreams about you.  Last night I dreamt that you told me to tell your sister it was all going to be okay.  Every time i close my eyes, you're there.  Every time i don't have the music blaring i hear your laugh.  I miss the way you smell, I miss your big hands and the way you gave the most painful high fives.  I even miss the way you never let anyone touch your hair or your face, heaven forbid the oils from our hands made you breakout.  I miss the way you'd call me a bitch then hug me the next second and tell me you loved me.  I miss the noise you made when you hugged me.  I miss your white t-shirts and black Dickies.  I even miss those stupid white shoes and the way you flipped out if someone scuffed them.  I found a video on my phone that I took of you.  You got mad I was videoing you and put my phone in your pants.  We laughed so hard that night our stomachs ached.  I miss your big black person nose :0).  I don't know how I'm ever going to be good at ice skating backwards without you.  I remember my sophomore year I wrote Vicky a note telling her that I thought I was in love with you. I even remember when I slow danced with you and her and I jumped around like giddy little girls.  High school memories are come and gone now but I never thought the person the memories were with would be gone too.
You left a bigger impact than I'm sure you ever thought you would.  People love you.  People who didn't even know you love you.  Not one person will deny that you did everything for everyone.  Sure, you were high maintenance and annoying at times but you were loved by all.  You still are.  There isn't a minute that goes by that we don't think about you.  We're doing it big for you, Riley.  Everything we do, we do it big.  You better believe that April 30th we're throwing the biggest 21st birthday party this town has seen.  We will never forget you, Riley.  You will live in the heart of this town and in the hearts of everyone in it forever, no doubt about it.  Thank you for inspiring me to impact lives the way you did.
Every pool table I ever see will have "Cool Club-Riley Litchfield 6/24/11" carved underneath it.  No shoes allowed of course.
Every smiley face I type will be a Riley Smiley :0)
Every memory I have of you will be a happy one.
I'm doing it big for you.
DBTFR<3

Love always,
Kimberlake

http://vimeo.com/6344837

This is me---simple and complete.

    There comes a time in our lives where we suddenly discover ourselves.  It's funny because we spend our entire lives trying to create this persona and we try so hard to convince the world that we know who we are.  I'm finding that as hard as I try to create myself and to be somebody I'm not, it's not something I can control.  There comes a day in all of our tiny little worlds when it just clicks and we realize who we are.  Some of us do not handle it well and we melt down, realizing that all our work to be somebody was in vain.  Others are able to just sit back and accept their new found being.  I think that I am one of those.

    Let's be honest, high school is not as fun as we all think it is or was.  High school days were not your glory days and as much as you may think that you owned the halls or the football field, all that you have to show now is a face in a book full of other faces and a number on a faded jersey in the back of your closet.  You didn't find yourself in high school.  You probably didn't find yourself in college either.  Some of you will never find yourself because you're too busy creating someone that people like.  You're busy looking in someone else's mirror.  The image you see reflected back will never be the real you; only a mimic or a copy of someone else.  I once heard an old Hebrew saying that read "We are all born originals and die a copy".  As depressing as it is to think about this, isn't it true?  How many of us can honestly say that we created our look or developed our personality or sense of humor solely?  I know that I can't.  We are so strongly influenced by the magazines we read, the commercials we see and the people that convince us that we cannot be happy if we're not the best version of ourselves.  Who are you to tell me how to live?  When did my life become something that could be voted on?  I never sent out a ballot, I never took suggestions in a suggestion box and I never gave you a survey to fill out.

     I am me, simple and complete.  I'm nutty and disorganized and sometimes I cry for no reason, but somehow I am okay with that.  Somehow, I can wake up every day and confidently say that I am exactly who I need to be.  Somewhere along the way I let somebody tell me that I wasn't good enough.  I let people make decisions for me.  I tied on the strings myself and handed them the sticks to work me as their own personal marionette.   I provided them the pens to write my story for me, took the script and personally sat them in the director's chair to tell me how to live.  It comes down to this: I was too scared to live my own life. But no more.  I've cut the strings, burned the script and smashed that megaphone to pieces.  I'm living life my way.

 "Independence is my happiness, and I view things as they are, without regard to place or person; my country is the world, and my religion is to do good."

 -Thomas Paine